How to win Australian Idol

The latest season of Australian Idol (more commonly known as “the Big Brother kareoke championship”) has concluded. For the purposes of seeming informed I have attempted to discover the identity of the winner, but Google has failed me, and I don’t know where else to turn. Lord knows I’m not turning on the TV.

Say what you will about the tape that kills you when you watch it - at least it doesn’t have Kyle Sandilands in it.

But I can tell you what I do know about the show. Australian Idol Voters can be divided roughly into the following categories:

1) Bitter former finalists in the mood for sabotage.
VOTES FOR: The worst of the bunch.

2) Perverts without internet access.
VOTES FOR: The one with the most revealing clothes.

3) Confused patriots.
VOTES FOR: The one who lives nearest them.

4) Racists.
VOTES FOR: White people.

5) People keen to prove that they’re not racists.
VOTES FOR: Black people.

6) Deluded self-described non-conformists.
VOTES FOR: The one with the most tattoos or the ripped-est jeans, because no boring people ever have those things.

7) People who actually buy music.
VOTES FOR: Error! Insufficient data.

So if you want to win Australian Idol, try and be the following (in this order): talentless, scantily-clad, from Sydney, black (because there are more category 5 voters than 4), and tattoolicious. I haven’t been watching the show, but I bet this describes the previous winners pretty well.

But be warned: even if you win, you won’t sell any albums.



MITIFOTIT:
(Most Interesting Thing I Found On The Internet Today)

Freaking News did a photoshop competition entitled Celebrities Upside-Down. They should have called it Ingredients for your Nightmares:

Right now, upside-down John Travolta is under your bed.