Ask a nerdy question, get a nerdy answer

People write to me for a number of reasons. Sometimes they hate my books so much that they decide to punish me by clogging up my inbox. Sometimes they love my books so much that they decide to reward me by clogging up my inbox. And sometimes they just want to complain about something called “income tax”. (I can tell those types because they use bizarre words like “arrears,” “fraud,” and “you’re going to prison, Mr Heath.”)

Many emails also come from people who have read my books, over-thought a minor detail, and now need me to explain how something is possible. The sender usually won’t take “because I said so” or “because I failed physics in high school” as an answer. But these emails are the most fun to answer, because they give me the opportunity to release my inner nerd. His name is Doug and he’s even nerdier than my outer nerd.

This is me, without Doug. I suppose you could call me Doug-less.

A fan just sent me this message, in which I’ve changed names to protect anyone who hasn’t read my books from spoilers (and also to give a giggle to anyone who remembers Arrested Development):

If “Mr F” can’t age, thanks to the self-replicating telomeres in his DNA, then how did he get to be physically 16 years old?

Well, that’s a good question, and I’m glad you asked it. (Statements like this are a good way of stalling for time.)

Fortunately, deteriorating telomeres aren’t responsible for your growth to maturity, just what comes later - wrinkles, cancer, senility, etc. So Mr F’s self-replicating telomeres wouldn’t have stopped him from becoming an adult, but they would protect him from becoming old and frail.

Think of it this way: he does age, he’s just not damaged in the process.

Of course, Mr F’s growth wouldn’t stop suddenly - it would get slower and slower over time, probably in accordance with this formula:

A = T^1/2 + 12

A is Mr F’s biological age, T is time in years.

So 13 years after his creation, Mr F is physically 15.
At 20 years, he is 16.
At 50, he’s 19.
At 100, he’s 22.
At 500, he’s 34.

After 2000 years, he’s still only 56, and wrinkle-free. Or, given his lifestyle, he’s been shot to bits, but as a mathematician, that’s outside my purview. (Disclaimer: I am not a mathematician.)



MITIFOTIT:
(Most Interesting Thing I Found On The Internet Today)

For those who haven’t already heard of Garfield Minus Garfield, it’s exactly that. Some guy has gone through hundreds of Garfield comics and removed Garfield to illustrate the desperate loneliness of John’s life (remember, he couldn’t hear Garfield’s thoughts in the originals.)