How to beat a troll using your own ignorance

If you spend enough time on the internet, at some point you’re going to come across haters, flamers, trolls, and garden-variety idiots. They’re the unfortunate but inevitable consequence of anonymity, and the only tried and true method of dealing with them is to ignore them. No matter what they say, if you refuse to give them the attention they crave, they’ll eventually evaporate.

I have never once passed this test. My desire to not have my time wasted is always trumped by my desire to be a smart-arse. This often gets me into trouble — in high school once a thuggish-looking guy asked me just what the hell I thought I was staring at, and instead of telling the truth, (I’d been watching the soccer game in the distance behind him) I took a glance at his caveman-brow and said “I think it might be the missing link.” When he worked out he’d been insulted, he threw a rubbish bin at me, leading to some richly-deserved humiliation for me and a richly-deserved detention for him.

Yesterday I discovered three things. Firstly that I had a second email inbox, secondly that this was where all my YouTube notifications had been going all these years, and thirdly that I’d inadvertantly passed the test. For almost three months, abusive comments had been accumulating on my video, 5 reasons Paul W.S. Anderson is the greatest screenwriter of all time, and I’d remained ignorant of it.

“Paul W.S. Anderson is one of the worst writers out there along with Zack Penn,” said DarkoJovanovic100. “Not to mention your opinions are that of a ten year old child. You’d have to be the worst writer ever judging on the fact that you don’t know anything.”

Fair enough. I knew people were likely disagree with me when I made the video. (There’s not a lot of point voicing your opinions if everybody else already shares them.)

But what really caught my eye was almost twenty comments from a guy named “AdmiralValkyrie.”

AdmiralValkyrie: Sh**ty videos. Remove them, will you?

And, when this generated no response:

AdmiralValkyrie: These Anderson-supporters need to STFU.

I remained obliviously silent, but this did not placate the peanut gallery.

AdmiralValkyrie: writetojackheath blocks me= I win

Oh no! If I didn’t block him, he could keep making comments, but if I did block him, he would win! I was ensnared in one of the Jigsaw Killer’s diabolical traps, and I didn’t even know it.

AdmiralValkyrie: writetojackheath removes my comments =I win

Still no response from me — I was probably writing, unaware that I was being challenged.

AdmiralValkyrie: Paul Anderson can’t make films (or any form of entertainment). Even Jyggalag from the Elder Scrolls series can make better entertainment than Anderson ever could.

I was spared the embarassment of having to admit that I didn’t know who that was by the fact that I was still unaware this conversation was taking place.

AdmiralValkyrie: And unlike writetojackheath, I still have a life. ^_^

If I’d seen this comment at the time, I would have pointed out that he was the one talking to himself in an empty forum. But I didn’t.

AdmiralValkyrie: Why do I get the feeling writetojackheath is gonna go apes**t when he sees my comments? Because he’s a fanboy.

AdmiralValkyrie: I bet writetojackheath supports Anderson’s movies because he has a ***** for Alice.

AdmiralValkyrie: Hell even Al Khan can write better scripts than Anderson.

AdmiralValkyrie: When is writetojackheath gonna respond?

AdmiralValkyrie: Are you afraid of me?

My bravery was being impugned! If I’d seen this, I would have found it hard not to make a snarky reply.

AdmiralValkyrie: Reasoning with Anderson-supporters is a waste of time.

AdmiralValkyrie: Anderson IS sexist. FACT.

AdmiralValkyrie: Anderson doesn’t improve on source material.

AdmiralValkyrie: I’m pretty sure Anderson IS racist.

AdmiralValkyrie: Anderson-supporters are less mature than a two-year-old. The attitude of writetojackheath proves it. Did I get a reaction yet?

He did not. What followed was two months of silence, before I found my second email inbox. (And, as Admiral Valkyrie predicted, went a bit apes**t.)

But I’d passed the test. Using the power of complete obliviousness, I’d stonewalled a troll into oblivion. I celebrated by watching Death Race 2.

I guess the moral of this story is two-fold. Firstly, not responding can sometimes be even more fun than being a smart-arse. Secondly, if you want to send hate mail to me, don’t post it on my videos - I have a special page for it.

MITIFOTIT:
Most Interesting Thing I Found On The Internet Today

Courtesy of xkcd (this really works)