#informationagefail

Yesterday I considered changing my Twitter username from followjackheath to jackheathauthor. If I ever accidentally post something interesting enough to get retweeted by a million people, I want those million people to know that I have books for sale.

Clever girl.

But it sounded like a lot of effort to make a new account, refollow all the people I was following before, message all my favourite followers to let them know my feed had moved, and tweet about it so as everybody else had an outside chance of noticing. I’m a fundamentally lazy person - I wasn’t sure if it was worth it.

But, I thought, if I do eventually decide to do this, it would suck to find out that the jackheathauthor username had been taken. I’d better make a new account now, just in case I decide to use it later.

So I tried to sign up. But for a new account, you need a new email address. I already had a second email account, but it was connected to the New Poe Twitter feed, so I needed to create a third one. I did this, and registered as jackheathauthor. Victory!

Some of you will already know where this story is going. I was embarrassed to spot a note on the settings page which said, “You can change your username at any time.” I hadn’t needed to create a new account at all.

I sighed heavily, and clicked on Deactivate my account. A window popped up: “Are you sure?” I clicked yes. It said, “This can’t be undone!” I clicked Do it anyway. Then I logged into my original account and tried to change my username to jackheathauthor.

Twitter: “We’re sorry - this username is already taken.”
Me: “No it isn’t! I deactivated the account!”

With dawning dread, I tried again.

Twitter: “We’re sorry - this username is already taken.”
Me: “Argh!”

I went to the help page, which should really be called the information page, because it was informative, but not very helpful.

If you’re trying to move a username from one of your accounts to another of your accounts, first, log into the account that currently has the desired username. Then, change the username to something else. This will immediately free up the username for use by other accounts.

Log into your other account and change the username to the desired username.

Please note: once you’ve changed your username, it returns to general circulation and may be selected by another account. Also, please note that deactivating an account will not free up the username.

I was now ninety minutes older and significantly worse off than when I began this foolhardy venture, so I decided to give up and do something relaxing, something fun. I’d seen my friend Jeremy playing the drums on his iPhone, which looked enjoyable - and I didn’t have an iPhone, but I figured there had to be some Nokia smartphone equivalent.

I Googled “Nokia Drum App”, and found a free download from the Nokia India website. I downloaded it, and then discovered that it was a file I couldn’t open. “You must install Nokia PC Suite to install this app.”

I found Nokia Software Updater, downloaded it, and installed it. But then it refused to load the app. ”You must register Nokia PC Suite to install this app.”

I tried to register, but it said my email address was already in use by another account - presumably my own, although I had no idea what the password might be. Fortunately I’d just created a new address during the Twitter fiasco, so I used that.

Success! The program installed the app onto my phone. I tried to open it.

It wouldn’t run.

I tried again.

Same result.

After doing some more Googling, I discovered that the Nokia India drum app won’t run on your phone unless you have an Indian simcard in your phone. Why, you ask? I have no idea.

By now I’d invested two hours trying to work out how to play the drums on my phone - I wasn’t going to give up now. I went to the Nokia Australia Ovi app store, and found another drum app. It was $2, but I’d just been paid my advance for Hit List, so I decided I could afford it. I clicked download.

“Error! You must sign in or register at the Ovi store to download this app.”

I had to use my new email account, because once again I had an existing account attached to my usual one with a password long since lost to the mists of time. The Ovi store messaged a link to my phone, which led me to the download page. But:

Phone: “Error! Download failed.”
Me: “Uh, request more details.”
Phone: “Denied. Sucker.”

It turns out the Virgin Mobile wouldn’t let me charge apps to my bill on my current plan. So I painstakingly filled in all my credit card information and paid for the app that way.

Victory! It downloaded!

Victory! It installed!

Victory! It ran!

Vic- Oh, wow. Just… wow.

This was the crappiest app I had ever seen.

Seriously. It could only make one drum sound at a time, and there was a half-second delay between tapping the touch pad and hearing the noise. Forget about making a beat - this was like standing a few metres away from a drum kit and throwing a tennis ball at it.

Also, and I know this sounds like a petty complaint, but the high-hat made a splash cymbal sound rather than a high-hat sound. If you’re a drummer, you’ll know how ridiculous that is.

Okay, I thought. Forget apps. Forget social networking. I’ve wasted four hours of my day and two whole dollars of my money - it’s time to call it quits and do something relaxing. You know what always relaxes me? Reading. I’ll go do that for a while.

It’s worth mentioning at this point that I’ve just acquired an eReader. It’s a Kobo, which I’d thoroughly recommend to anyone looking to get in on this whole eBook thing.

I submitted a slogan for it: “Kobo - it won’t let Amazon screw you like the Kindle does, and it won’t overcharge you, blind you, run out of batteries and then let Apple screw you like the iPad does.”

I haven’t heard back yet.

But I’d finished the book I was reading on my Kobo the previous night, so I went to their website looking for another. I was delighted to find a selection of free samples. It sure would be nice, I thought, to practice my eBook acquisition with no money at stake.

But this is the internet. Nothing is ever nice. When I clicked download:

“You must sign in or register to download this book.”

I registered, signed in, and clicked download again. It downloaded. I tried to open it.

“You must download Adobe Digital Editions to open this file.”

Gritting my teeth, I went to Adobe’s site, found the Digital Editions page, and clicked download.

“You must sign in to Adobe or register to download this program.”

I was feeling distinctly Kafkian at this point. I was K., and this eBook was the castle, looking further away every second.

I registered. I signed in. I clicked download. It downloaded. I opened it, and tried to open the eBook file.

“You must register this program to open this file.”

I wish I was making this up.

In short, the only thing I achieved yesterday was deciding that I hate the information age.



MITIFOTIT:
Most Interesting Thing I Found On The Internet Today

This adorable and hilarious article from Hyperbole and a Half cheered me up, though:

I knew that if I could trick my mom into believing that I was feeling okay after my surgery, she’d let me go to my friend’s birthday party. All I had to do was find a way to prove that I was completely recovered and ready to party.  I began to gather very specific information about the kinds of things that would convince my mom that the surgery had absolutely no effect on me.

Seriously. Read it. You’ll thank me.